maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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