Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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