mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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