I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
