The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
