You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
