Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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