lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
