Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You took a bar mat shot.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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