wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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