I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
