The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
