Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
