I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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