Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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