Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize