do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
