i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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