Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
