I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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