I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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