I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
