1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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