cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
