I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
