guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
