Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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