so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
