Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
