it's too hot outside to masturbate.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
