Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
