he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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