I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize