I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
