he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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