My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He shit in the fireplace
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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