Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
