On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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