Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
