eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
