mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
