You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
