He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize