Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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