Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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