You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
