did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
