The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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