If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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