You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
