doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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