thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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