I accidentally had phone sex last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
