WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
sarcasm needs its own font
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
