I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
