I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize