I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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