I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
