Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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