i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize